Epic Fail Diet Tips from Z Desert Rocks

Okay survivors. We’re way past January now, so fess up, how’s that New Year’s Resolution going? Admit it, we all wanted to sign up for the gym and tried cutting back on French fries, but somewhere along the line, the constitutional right to bear arms or eat anything we want, got tangled in our brain. Did a big city mayor outlaw giant sodas or semi-automatic weapons? Cataclysmically superior excuses like End of the Year Prophecies, maniac shooters, storms and hurling meteorites heading for Earth kept us glued to the couch, crying into our cheesy nachos. Here we are in March and the only thing cataclysmic is my weight. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to my dilemma but here are five steps to avoid. Five things you might thank me for later. Trust me, I've done decades of research to avoid regular diets which I've heard don’t work that well either.

About Moving to France. Most of you have heard that French folks don’t get fat even though they love butter, cheese and pastries. Have you been to Paris? Seriously, very few plump people. Glamorous women and sophisticated guys all walking or riding their bike to get baguettes and butter and by the time they find a place to park and set foot into the bakery, their heart rate is elevated and healthier. Don’t forget, they have to go home too!

 Let’s say they splurge and buy one of those cute little French cars like a Citroen or something. Well guess what? They have to walk to the parking garage and it’s not close either. Then, when they park at the bakery, they have to walk several blocks for a cream filled Napoleon.

Furthermore, they are very romantic over there and these folks standing in line at the bakery are forming normal social relationships that occasionally end up in bed rather than just playing CheddarVille on Facebook. Imagine all the calories used by staying up all night after a dinner of butter sauteed food avec melted brie? Anyway, by not moving to France, you might suffer, but not everyone can be French. C'est la vie.

Bag Lady vs Haute Couture?

Do you honestly think the XXL sized top makes you look thin? It just looks silly and sloppy and you will easily and sadly think there’s room for an extra cupcake. Don’t do it. Buy the correct size because I tried this and it doesn't work. I have clothes in my closet that can easily fit around three Giant-Discount-Mart shoppers facing a windstorm and could quickly become an ad hoc tent. French designers have known this secret for eons.

This stylish lady is walking her dog
 but ready for shooting too. 
Wonder if she's French?

Breed Matters.

This sounds great in theory except there are some dogs that apparently will not respond to normal training. Namely, my feisty one-year-old Chihuahua Fiona, who wants to bite anyone trying to put her on a leash. Should that person successfully finagle the collar, and pull the leash, she bucks her tuchis down in stubborn protest. No way, no how, our rescued little pup refuses to walk. Grass, picnics, snacks, it doesn't matter we've tried  every method but alas, she refuses. The point is, get a dog you know will walk with you like a French poodle or stay fat.

The Martyr

You are dining across from the dearest, most encouraging soul mate in the world. You get to the last micro-sized piece of delicious food on your plate and even though you want it, you get persnickety. You want it bad. There’s just enough drink left to wash it down and it’s heavenly. But you pretend you’re full. You sacrifice yourself that last morsel of culinary magic by shoving it across the table as if facing a Labrador retriever. Wanting to please, they shamelessly scarf it up and smile. What were you thinking? You were not full. Admit it. Later when no one’s looking, you’ll make up for those calories and more. Don’t lie.

Clarification

Lastly, I spent most of my life confused about this next, crucial issue regarding  moderate exercises four to five days a week…. Doesn't driving the kids to school, making the bed, doing dishes, laundry or going to work and walking all day or standing on our feet for hours and hours count as exercise?
  NO! ??The half an hour--four or five days a week of moderate walking or exercise is in Addition to everything else we do. OHHHHH (Add favorite expletive) -- Especially if you like cheese.

 What do you think, isn't France sounding better all the time?