Five Questions to Ask On Your First Date (Part 2)

Gentlemen, just like I promised, here are some important questions you might want to get out of the way on your first date. Although love is blind, it might be a good idea to side with caution. Can you handle this kind of woman? Each answer would be from a different type of date and every one of these could be that proverbial red flag.
(Personal note to my lady friends: If you are asked these questions on the first date, just change the subject.)

1.       What’s your favorite store?

a.       The corner gas station store where I buy my super-sized cheese nachos and Big Gulp sodas.

b.      Neiman Marcus

c.       Bev Mo has a huge selection of wine, beer and Jagermeister.

2.       How many shoes do you own?

a.       Wow, that’s a tough one. *Guilty sounding laugh*Never thought of counting them—hmm—because of the color-coded filing system I devised. It corresponds perfectly to the Pantone color chart.*Swallows* Let’s see, there are about 1300 solid colors, 150 pastels, 56 neon and 600 metallic-- sandals and boots are separated for comfort and heel heights. The idea for my unique tracking system came to me after a vacation where I went zip lining above the Amazon River. It's a specially engineered mechanism that works with gears and pulleys that I rigged up for my footwear. *giggles*Right now I’m designing a special App that allows me to push a button on my cell phone and the shoes appear  right next to my bed.*Completely out of breath* I guess I have a lot of shoes, but think of it this way—I don’t have any pets.

b.      Just army boots and my Doc Martens of course. They come in handy for kicking ass.

c.       Why would you ask that question, are you a communist?

3.       Do you enjoy cooking?

a.       No, are you a chef?

b.      Funny you should ask, I just exploded something in my microwave.

c.       Oh yes, I just bought the Paula Dean cookbook.

4.       Since you’re such a busy, working woman, do you think you’ll want a family someday?

a.       Well you know I’m pretty busy so I guess that depends on your lackadaisical schedule and your finances. Of course, how much time you are willing to invest in raising kids makes a big difference too.

b.      We need kids to inherit our business and workers' comp insurance is killing my bottom line-- the extra labor will come in handy. Besides, when we’re old coots, our own little weasels will be changing our adult diapers.

c.       I don’t think you’ll want kids once you meet my family. It’s kind of risky with the gene pool and all--know what I mean?

5.       Have you ever heard of Swiffer?

a.       Is she on that television show about the Jersey Shore?

b.      Do you need one? When’s your birthday?

c.       No, I don’t have that App on my iPhone.

Oh and by the way...
 why don’t you look anything like your Matchbox.com picture?

Five Questions To Ask on Your First Date

I thought I’d come up with some questions for all you ladies who are dating.

Make sure you ask these questions on the first date. Be careful, any of these answers should raise a red flag. A big one. I’m sure he’s cute and all, but if you get any of these answers, you might want to reconsider that second date.

1.       Do you floss?

a.       What do you mean exactly?

b.      Never, that stuff gets expensive—besides these are false anyway.

c.       Yeah, when I run out of clean underwear.

2.       What’s your idea of a romantic dinner?

a.       I get rid of the roommate.

b.      I don’t use a coupon for dinner, and we go for a 2 for 1 bowling special.

c.       Who cares as long as you’re doing the cooking?

3.       How many kids do you have?

a.       Oh, she tried to frame me, but the DNA test came out fine.

b.      Two in California….

c.       From which wife?

4.       What line of work are you in?

a.       I plan to become an investor as soon as I get my hands on some money.

b.      Are you hiring?

c.       Baby, together we can do anything.

5.       Let’s discuss protection. When the time comes, will you be prepared?

a.       Definitely, my gun’s in the glove box.

b.      From what?

c.     Big time. On my way over I picked up a huge super-sized box of 500 at the warehouse store.

Oh and by the way, why don’t you look anything like your Matchbox.com photo?

Don’t worry gentlemen—next time we’ll cover questions to ask on your first date.

I Can't Make This Stuff Up!

I’m convinced that truth is funnier than fiction. I mean who could make up the stuff that happens every day in the news? The bungling burglars or people smuggling endangered turtles in their pants?

Please don't put me in your pants.
 I'm endangered and this is my home! Help!

 Do we laugh at the created worlds that science fiction novelists invent or are we awe-inspired at their creative audacity? I mean why would anyone bother making up a world when God has done such a fine job with this one? (I'm kidding  fantasy writers--keep up the good work!) Meanwhile however, The Almighty has even blessed the humor writers with enough ink cartridges and material to keep laughter flowing from millennium to millennium. Isn’t life grand or at least comical?

Painful Example:

I was nineteen and had been dating my boyfriend over a year. We met in English class and well everything seemed to be about poetry and interconnected souls. One spring day he got down on his knees and handed me an ornate little box with ribbons. OMG, I thought. My dreams were coming true. He stared into my eyes with a burning intensity and then I opened the lid. Inside was a tiny note that said, “April Fools!”

Factual Example:

Did you know there’s a Phallological Museum in Iceland that gets over 6,000 visitors every summer? Yes, it’s what you think it is and if you don’t have a clue please go back to watching SpongeBob.

Memorable Example:

When my dad sold his big, gas-guzzling Lincoln Continental, he had one fellow who came and haggled about the price. My dad showed him all the nice features, the leather seats and everything, but the only question this buyer had was, “How many people could fit in the trunk?”

Recent Funny stuff:

My guest called the day after visiting. I thought, how sweet, she’s calling to tell me she enjoyed the lunch I made, or simply to thank us for our hospitality. Nope. She actually called to ask in a very serious tone, what brand toilet paper I have in my guest bathroom. I’m sorry, but I actually fell on the floor from my convulsive, heaving laughter.

Then last week:

My husband came home from Costco with a skort. Yup, it’s what you think it is and for those of you, who don’t know, it’s a skirt and shorts combo made for athletic women who golf, play tennis and have awesome looking legs. Not me. At any rate, he’s hauling in the giant box of milk, yogurt, cereal and bread and finally he shows me my present. The skort. I don’t know-- it felt weird yet strangely humorous on so many levels. I guess you had to be here.

Yesterday:

I needed ½-cup sour cream for a recipe and again he’s at Costco. Fortunately, he calls and asks if a three-pound tub would be all right. “No, dear it wouldn’t. Please come home-NOW!” So he bought bagels and cream cheese instead. Three pounds of cream cheese.

Anyway, until next time—remember life is funny, so keep smiling.

Satisfying Readers Wanting Your Low Mileage Cream Puff!

Anyone Can Be Number One!

For many, many years I did automotive advertising and even the smallest little piss-ant dealership wanted to be number one in something. Fortunately, some of the small ones would work on something called CSI scores or customer satisfaction index. If their scores were high, they could say they were number one in customer service. The big mega dealer down the street would always advertise that they were number one in selection because the cars were filling up every available parking space and then there were the regular sized dealerships advertising that they were number one in price--fighting out a "price war."This usually got a little touchy because everyone, wanted to have the best prices. Finally, there was the physically largest dealership that could say that they were number one, because they had more square feet than any other dealership. Plenty of parking, selection but the prices were typically higher because they had a more expensive light bill and more overhead.

The dealer's weren't lying,
 they were always on a mission
to be number one in something.

From what I can tell about the book publishing business, things are not much different. Bestseller means different things to different people. Is the book a N.Y. Times bestseller that’s been on the bestseller lists for a year like The Hunger Games? Is the book on U.S.A. Today’s bestseller list? Oprah’s book club? Amazon’s bestseller list? Is it a bestselling e-book? Did it win an award? Number one Romance? Number one Steam Punk? Was it a gothic/paranormal bestseller on Tuesday, floating back down to four hundredth today? In other words, I’m convinced that your book can be a bestseller if it’s marketed correctly and YOU can be number one just like the piss-ant little dealership down the street. Even if only for one day.

(For argument’s sake, let’s put a lack of confidence or poor writing skills aside.) The new genres open up many new options and will help steer your book into the proper slot for success. The key is a commitment to your own product which happens to be your novel.  If you can advertise and  market your book like a business, you're bound to be successful.You wrote it, which means you can probably do your own marketing, but if you can’t or don’t have the time, there are many companies, agents and publicists available to promote your creativity.

The point is: books are not big mechanical sleds that take up inordinate amounts of space, pollute and continually drain budgets. Most of us will write books whether we become number one or not, it’s just something we have to do. Worrying about the “business” aspect of writing may even harm our creativity, but that doesn’t mean we forget about the reader, that one person or millionth person who reads our book and feels a mysterious connection to our words. Stieg Larsson is on bestseller lists ever since he died. He certainly doesn’t care about being number one. Define your goals. What do you feel is important? Your writing is a piece of your soul. Treat it with respect. Honor it and remember that with a little inventive marketing, almost anyone can be number one. 

Having said all this, I’m still working on issues regarding my own manuscript. Don't forget my marketing experience dealt with cars. What I do know is: that if I keep trying to write the best I can and keep learning the craft, my confidence will improve and then a wonderful thing will happen. Someone will want to read my story. Every reader is like gold and with any luck, a positive notch in our CSI.